Before I begin this post, let me start by saying that this is really hard for me to share. I’m not even sure why, it just is, so be gentle and bear with my random thoughts and ramblings. Please and thank you.
Up until a little more than a year ago, Daniel and I were still deciding whether or not we’d ever have kids. This was just before we got married and I will admit that I was 100% on the side of shutting down the baby-making factory before it even started. It just seemed like something we didn’t want to do. Something we didn’t want to add to our lives. I’m not even sure why we felt that way, we just did.
Just after we got married we decided that we would in fact add to our little family. But not yet. We’d wait a good 5 years, enjoy each other as newly weds and just be a couple for now. By then I’d be 29 and having my first baby at 30 sounded like a good idea. Much to the heartache and dismay of my big sister who desperately wants a niece or nephew or both.
Recently things have changed. Daniel and I have brought the 5 year wait down to 3 (meaning we’d start trying for a little one at the end of next year), but I’m not sure how I’ll even last that long.
Suddenly, my not wanting to have kids evolved into a broody ‘I want kids’ to I need to have a baby. Now. This is no longer a matter of wondering about how lovely it would be to have a baby one day far off into the future, because babies are cute and all my friends are having babies and wouldn’t it be awesome to be pregnant and then be a “real” little family. No. There’s more to this feeling.
I want to be a mother.
My far off, ‘one day’ thoughts about caring for a little one have turned into stomach-churning, fire-in-my-belly longings to be a mom. And having my life revolve around a teeny tiny human that I will love with all of my being sounds like the best thing that could possibly happen.
Is this strange? I told you it would be ramblings and thoughts barely strung together. It’s just really hard to put into words this feeling of longing.
Some days I get frustrated that we’ve decided to wait. Maybe it’s a quarter-life crisis? Being 25, I was expecting it to come along at some point. But this feels like more than just a passing fad. This is more.
I know it’s for the best that Daniel and I wait to have a baby. We can pay off debt and by the end of next year (God-willing) we’ll be in a more stable place financially. It’s the wise thing to do. The mature thing to do. Wait.
Problem is, I’ve never been a patient person. Waiting is hard. Especially when you want something so that bad that you know your body can already do. It’s not like it’s impossible. It’s just not wise right now. Wisdom sucks.
It’s silly but I have a few baby clothes in a drawer at home, things I’ve bought because I thought they were adorable (like a newborn cow outfit – how could I not?) or a little knitted jersey that was meant as a baby shower present but got left at home. I’ll hold them and wonder about the baby we haven’t had yet. This is weird isn’t it? It’s just hard to explain. You’re all probably going to think I’m insane…
I know I’m lucky that (as far as we know) there won’t be a problem actually falling pregnant. But being “forced” to wait feels a lot like (self-imposed) torture though. For now I guess I’ll just get another kitten and fill the void with fluffy babies.
Anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts and feelings. It’s part of adult life and marriage after all.
Am I just being crazy? Should I just shut up and wait? Has anyone else ever felt like this? Please share with me in the comments. I’m all ears.